Mercury Poisoning
by WickedWickedMe
Summary: Amian, Evamy BASHING , add a hint of Natan. Pour into a bottle, shake well. Step back. Wait for explosion. P.S : Serve with a tiny hint of wickedness.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Roses are red, violets are blue**

**I don't own the 39 Clues, not a single clue,**

**So please do not sue. **

**~ Wicked**

**P.S: Sue me, and the whole Lucian Headquarters will be coming after you. Guaranteed. **

Taking care not to let it come into contact with his exfoliated skin, he swirls the silvery liquid in a silver canister, not trusting any of the servants to do it. Or any of the agents under his command, they might bungle it up. And definitely not his sister. She would ask why he was doing that, which would give her a reason to blackmail him, or threaten him. Whichever. Capping the canister tightly, he swiftly shook it a few times before labeling it "mercury." Along with a magazine, it was placed in a briefcase which he picked up before walking out of the room, closing the door but not bothering to lock it. All of his agents knew that his office was out of bounds, and if any one of them ever tried to enter it, they would find a few lovely….. surprises…. In store for them. At any rate, Step One of his plan was complete. Moving on to Step Two.

First, he would ask nicely, Ian thought, or he would resort to using blackmail and / or threats. As the sleek limousine slid smoothly to a stop in front of a mansion, the suited chauffeur rushed to open the car door. Carrying a black briefcase with him, Ian walked up to the front door and rang the doorbell. Three seconds later, it popped open. Before Ian even had time to be freaked out by how someone could open the door so quickly, he saw the face from one of the insane alien mutation species inhabiting Earth glaring at him. Ah, just the person he was looking for.

"What do you want, Cobra," Dan spat, all the while still glaring at Ian. A tinkle came from somewhere around Dan. Anyhow.

"Good afternoon, Daniel. A simple hello would have been nice." Ian said smoothly, not at all perturbed by Dan's hostile glare. He was, after all, used to it. Since Korea, then Jamaica …. Wait, it was Boston, during Grace's funeral. Then again, Dan had been looking at him that way for as long as he could remember.

"It's Dan! Not Daniel! And I would say good afternoon, except I would be lying! Cause nothing's ever good when you are around! Especially, my life." Dan shouted at Ian, whilst jumping up and down.

"Whatever, Daniel. I came because," Ian was about to continue when he suddenly realized what the little dweeb was wearing. Bloody hell! He had a black hoodie on and a black scrap of cloth vaguely resembling a scarf with golden bells sewed on them, was tied around Dweeb's waist, resulting in jingles and tinkles coming from Dan every three seconds. Natalie would throw a fit if she ever had to wear that…. thing. "What are you wearing?" Ian exclaimed.

"Smart, Cobra. Don't you know that this is a hoodie? Wait a moment; you DON'T know that this is a hoodie. All you know is Armanne suits. Whoops, I forgot that. Do forgive me."(jingle) Dan remarked.

Ian frowned ever so slightly, until he realized frowning gave him wrinkles. And he did'nt wish to go for Botox so young.

"First, Daniel, it is Armani, not Armanne. It's _about_ time you knew the difference. Second, I was talking about the thing you have around your waist. Thirdly, I came for your help."

Dan overlooked the name thing. Those insufferable Cobras just refused to call him Dan. But then again, he called them Cobra. Just to piss them off. He meant it though. Most of the time. Okay, correction. Most of the time, he meant it to the older Cobra. "And what makes you think that I would help you?"(jingle)

"Well, it would be wiser for you to help me. Firstly, I wouldn't show Amy those recordings I have of you in your sleep about you professing your love for a certain someone related to me. And I wouldn't show it to Natalie."

Dan paled. How the hell did that Cobra find out about what he did in his sleep? (tinkle)

Ian, of course was totally lying. Just that Dan didn't need to know that. It was a lucky guess about the "sleep recording" thing. Ian knew that Dan had liked Natalie for a while now, it was so obvious. But Dan didn't need to know that. If he needed to, Ian could always create a fake recording. No one would know the difference. When he was younger, Ian got into an argument with his bloody crappy private tutor Vikram and Isabel had hired for him over a simple question. Angry, he had threatened to sue (the tutor thought he was faking it), pulled out a dart gun (which he had now given to Natalie, but the stupid tutor thought it was a mere toy, when it really contained sixteen different Lucian poisons with no known antidotes to date, plus the ability to kill somebody within a minute if handled properly_) _threatened to upload a video of the male tutor singing 'If I were Gay' on YouTube (The tutor thought he was joking), fired the tutor (the tutor assumed he was fooling around and throwing his weight about), and finally got Vikram and Isabel to speak to the tutor. After a 5 second talk with the tutor, which went something along the lines of "Are you _implying_ that my _son_ is _wrong?_" (said with THE signature Kabra glare inserted.) Every Kabra had been trained to smoothly execute the Kabra

"Oh no, sir, ma'am". The tutor practically ran out of the house, Vikram and Isabel sending him off with a signature Kabra smirk. While Ian was, in fact uploading the promised video on YouTube, with the help of Photoshop and some other useful things. The next day, it had one million hits. And to top everything off, he mailed a copy to his ex-tutor.

"C-Come in" (tinkle) Dan stuttered. Dan was disgusted at himself! He STUTTERED! Like his bookwormish sister! Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. His Ninja Gaiden avatar would be so DISGUSTED! His distaste must have been shown on his face because a smirking Ian walked into their living room and sat on the most decent looking chair he could find.

Dan sat down opposite Cobra. Swallowing his pride, dignity, Grace's words (never trust a Kabra), Amy's words (never trust a Kabra, especially male ones), Nellie's words (Never trust a Kabra unless you want to have you Incredibly Important IPod taken away from you, egged, and then sat on) Dan muttered unwillingly

"WhatdoyouwantmyhelpwithCobra?"

Ian reached into the black briefcase and pulled out a silver canister and a magazine. Placing them on the table, he pointed to the porch where Amy was with her oh-so-adorkable boyfriend, Evan. The scene grated on Ian's nerves. There might be the tiniest trickle of envy running through his veins at the moment, but he was not jealous. Not in the least. Kabras' didn't get jealous, they got even. An old family saying, one of Ian's favorites', in fact.

"You don't like him. I don't either." Ian said matter-of-factly.

Dan stared at Amy's oh-so-annoying boyfriend, and agreed with Ian.

"I totally agree with you. How did you know?" Dan asked.

"I am a Lucian, Daniel. However, we don't like him for different reasons. You don't like him because he has the ability to be more irritating than you, whist I don't like him because…' Ian paused for a while.

'Secondly, remove that weird looking thing around you waist. The jingles and whatnot are bloody irritating.' Ian said irritably. However, Dan was not one to give up easily, ummm…. Not one to pass up the opportunity to watch a Cobra uncomfortable.

"Wait a sec, why do you not like Evan? AND he is NOT more annoying than me. NOBODY can be more annoying than Dan Cahill, Supreme Ninja Lord and Ruler of the Earth. AKA, me." Dan smiled smugly. Ian rolled his eyes.

Maintaining a smooth, even voice, Ian put his Lucian Lesson on masking emotions to good use, not bothering to comment on the whole "Ninjas/Ruling Earth" comment made by Dan. This was just another of those one million things he was used to Dan Cahill doing. "Hmmm, there are many reasons. Not the least of which is his incredibly hideous fashion sense. His face gets on my nerves. And did I mention his fashion sense is absolutely horrible? Plus his high-pitched whiny voice is so irritating. And also, his dreadful sense of fashion." His fashion sense was really dreadful, Ian thought to himself. Ian looked outside where Amy and Evan (**A/N: "Amy and Evan" sounds so weird. It should be "Amy and Ian" or "Ian and Amy."Review if you are an Amian fan who agrees with me! Okay, I get that author's notes are irritating so I shall end here like right no-**) were chasing each other around the porch, laughing. Amy was- never mind, he should be focused on the task at hand.

"Daniel,"

"DAN! It's DAN D-A-N not DANIEL how many times do I have to tell you?"

"Whatever _Daniel_."

"You dumb Cobra!"

"That is getting old Daniel. I suggest you shut up and listen UNLESS, you want _something _to be posted on YouTube." Dan shut up.

"This," Ian said, gesturing to the bottle of mercury "is mercury. An intake of mercury may cause brain damage, leading to death."

**A/N: Most of you can probably guess what mercury has to do with anything, especially with a guy who ALREADY suffers from brain damage (*COUGH* Evan *COUGH*).**

**This is my first fic, so reviews will be GREATLY appreciated, but you are not forced to submit them. Free will. HOWEVERRRR, there shall be a poll, **

**Option A) Evan dies from mercury poisoning, Ian gets Amy.**

**Option B) Evan (kinda) takes the mercury, Ian gets Amy. **

**Option C) Leave suggestions . All suggestions will be considered. **

** And while you guys are at it, might as well drop a review, huh?**

**Before I leave one last thing… This chapter is dedicated to the awesome TQW, cause she is just awesome. Till the next chapter!**

**~Love, Wicked.**


	2. BONUS CHAPTER

s

Disclaimer:

Roses are red, violets are blue

I do not own the 39 Clues

Though I would have liked to

As much as Evan is screwed

And Amian rules

So yeah, and help me wipe up Evan's drool.

Uh, no need. He's already dead.

**A/N: This is a bonus chapter written because I was feeling happy about the reviews I've received so far. It's about Evan, and he's just being…. Well, Eva. Irritating, annoying, yeah. I wrote this, also because I want all Evamy (BASHING) haters can read this and laugh at him mercilessly without feeling bad. Hope you enjoy. Toodles!**

Armani guy had a thing for Amy. He was sure of it. Armani Guy had come in talk to Dan and Amy had LOOKED at him when he arrived. Amy had a thing for Armani Guy too! What if she picked Armani Guy over himself? Oh the horrors!

Amy looked at Evan quizzically. "Evan, dear, are you feeling all right?" **(A/N: You Do Not Know How Much It Pains Me To Write This)**

"Uh, fine. I was just admiring the…view. Yeah. I was admiring the view. With the hairy unicorns and the fluffy beasts. And the green clouds. And the white sky."

Amy looked suspicious. "If you say so."

Amy glanced into the house, where Armani Guy was talking to Dan. Evan was angry. Amy was HIS girlfriend! **(Not for long!) **And she was LOOKING at Armani Guy.Enraged, he shouted "You have a thing for him don't you?"

"Thing? What thing?" Amy asked, surprised.

"You like him! The Armani Suit guy!"

"Oh, you mean Ian? I don't like Ian. You're my boyfriend!"

"But, but Evan! I really do not…"

"FINE! IM GOING INTO THE HOUSE AND HE CAN PROVE IT!"

"Evan, please, don't do this, Evan..."

3 3333 Amian Amian Amian Amian Amian

_Report done by_: (DC) Dan Cahill, Supreme Ninja Master of the Earth (SNME)

_Time_: Late Afternoon, 3.15 pm-3.30pm

_Involved: _(DC) Dan Cahill, SNME

(AC) Amy Cahill, sister (to SNME)

(IK) Ian Kabra, VERY VERY VERY DISTANT cousin (to SNME)

(ET) Evan Tolliver, no affiliation (to SNME)

_Incident_:

ET came into house and told IK You Have A Thing For Her

IK said Thing What Thing

ET said You Like Amy

AC tried to stop ET by pulling him out of house

ET shook away AC and said I Want To Get to the Bottom Of This

IK said Are You For Real Cause I Think You Are Kidding

ET said Im For Real Armani Guy

IK said Armani Guy Has A Name Its Called Ian

ET said Do I Look Like I Give A Damn

IK said No But You Look Bloody Stupid To Me

AC said Ian Please Stop The Use Of Expletives Dan Is Here Evan Same Goes For You Dan Please Stop Writing This Down In Your Diary Its Very Humiliating

DC said You Don't Say

IK said You Think This Is Not Embarrassing For Me Well Think Again Love

ET told IK What The Hell Only I Can Call Her Love You Bastard

IK said Well Think Again

AC said Evan Expletives Are Unacceptable Stop This Childish Behavior Right Now Or I Will Break Up With You When We Go Outside

ET said Armani Guy Do You Or Do You Not Have A Thing For Amy

AC kicks ET where Apollo does'nt shine and ET is dragged out of the house by AC

IK asks DC Does He Even Know My Name

DC said Im Pretty Sure He Doesn't

ET screams from outside the house Right Back Atcha Buddy

AC kicks ET out of the house

DC applauds

**A/N: Thanks to all my reviewers! This chapter id dedicated to TXN JUST BECAUSE**

**BAHAHAHAHA: Dah-lingggg, thank you SOOOO MUCH for dat Lurvely review you gave me. It is grately Appreciated!**

**Anonymous Mouse : Editions have been made. If they are not shown, it's because of FFN not liking my computer very much. Did you know John means "toilet"?**

**Dream. Love. Smile. : I Hate Evan Too! Don't we all? I liked writing the Ian/Tutor Part best, actually :D It will DEFINITELY keep coming.**

**WatermelonWafflesBISCUITS: Thanks! Cahills are ALL insane (including me) but I don't SUFFER from insanity, I ENJOY every moment of it! **

**JesseCPK: The review was awesome. I nearly started screaming because it was so LONG ;D and, Im seriously considering your suggestion. Also, Im not too sure about the normal chapter length, but if I read a story with chapters which are too long I may give up. However, I do get that this is rather short, and I'll make the NEXT chapter longer to make up for it (this is a bonus remember?)**

**Addictedtoreading9: Hmm, he touches it / accidentally spills it somewhere, or does something equally dumb and Evan-like. **

**RoselleAutumnSunrise: Of COURSE I know your name! But thanks for bothering to review! And, yes, Evan is JUST THAT DUMB AND IDIOTIC. Everybody knows that. **

**I am drafting out the next chapter, so I'll try to post it by…. Coming Wednesday. Depending on my mood. If you hated this chapter, Im sorry but it was meant to be a diary entry so it was written Dan-like. **

**Love, Wicked.**


	3. Ian needs text messaging lessons

Disclaimer:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue.

I still don't own the 39 Clues,

Please do not sue.

**A/N: FIFTEEN REVIEWS! FIFTEEN! That's an average of 7.5 reviews per chapter! So, I am posting Chapter Three four days in advance. Thanks guys! Tose reviews make me happy. **

"That was awesome sis! For the first time in your life, you did something awesome!" Dan screamed at Amy when she stepped back into the house after sending Ian off. Dan and Nellie had pressured her into doing it because, according to Dan "there is a book in your room and it was _very _interesting. I'll take a look at it." (AKA, I'll publish your diary on the internet), and according to Nellie, "Dinner as waiting." (AKA Send the Cobra off because I don't want to see his face. And you're gonna have canned spaghetti for dinner and breakfast. )

"Oh?" Amy said "what about the ten million times I saved you doing the Clue Hunt?"

"That was not awesome. That was needed."

"The time I helped you complete that book report a day before it was due?"

Dan snorted. "That did not hit awesomeness. It was merely _alright._ AND I lent you my laptop!"

"_Lent_ me your laptop? You charged me _rent_!"

"Yeah, but the rent was really cheap…"

"It was FIVE DOLLARS an HOUR. The internet café down the road charges a dollar an hour! The only reason why I didn't go there was because it was CLOSED."

"Whatever. Did you really break up with Evan?"

"He's on probation, because he does, after all, pay for the popcorn and tickets when we go for movies. But I'm really pissed. Did you really write everything down in your diary? Because that was not appreciated."

"No, I did not write everything down in my DIARY. I wrote everything down in my JOURNAL. And you should have broken up with Evan! He was bloody irritating. Hey, did I mention I learnt some new swear words during the showdown just now? I mean, I didn't know "bloody" was a bad word! It was so cool!"

"Dan, DO NOT SWEAR!" Amy paused "Was Evan really more irritating than you, Dan?" Amy put in, smugly.

Dan facepalmed. And he facepalmed again. But in truth, he was rather happy that Amy had said that. Actually, Cobra had also said that about himself, so…

"Wow, Amy did you know that the Cobra said that as well? Hey you two think alike!"

Amy flushed red, glad to have been saved from answering as dinner was being served. (Canned Spaghetti with meatballs. Nellie had night classes. At least she bothered cooking meatballs.)

***** "Shoot to kill?"- Ian Kabra, The 39 Clues*****

During dinner, Dan's phone beeped, signaling a new message.

From _**Ian:**_ Daniel, have you put the mercury down? What happened to Evan anyway/ just curious. -Ian

From **Daniel**: Its Dan 2 u. N no, I'm w8ing for the opportune time. Accd 2 Amy, Evan's still on pro8tion. 2 bad, Cobra. We all know you have a thing for Amy. – Supreme Ninja Master of the Earth

From _**Ian**_: What thing? What is this "thing" all of you talk about? If you people are going to say things like that, at least tell me what you mean. It's very confusing and I do not understand you guys. Also, why is Evan only on probation? Didn't Amy threaten to break up with him? She didn't? –Ian

From **Daniel**: She did but apprn Evan payz for ppcorn n tickts when they go 2 the movies. Man u shd rly learn hw 2 txt. 1 me 2 giv u lessonz? –Supreme Ninja Master of the earth.

From_** Ian:**_ Well, you should text in proper English. I can hardly understand you. I do not dare to take you up on your offer for the texting lessons, anyway. Have a nice day, do remember to lay out the mercury as soon as possible. -Ian

From **Dan**: IT'S DAN! D-A-N. DAN!

Man, u rly nd txting lessonz. But hv it ur way. –DAN

Amy twirled spaghetti around her fork before bringing them to her mouth. Dan slurped up his spaghetti. Amy speared her meatballs with her fork and ate them. Dan threw his meatballs at Amy.

"Daniel Arthur Cahill stop that behavior NOW!"

Dan threw a meatball at Amy.

Amy picked up her spaghetti and dumped it on Dan.

Dan threw a glass of grape juice on Amy.

It was an all out food fight between Dan and Amy.

Nellie wasn't there to stop it.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Still covered in tomato sauce and purple grape juice, she flung open the door. Evan stood outside, wearing a white shirt. Amy took one look at him and narrowed her eyes, the way Dan had always wanted to learn, but somehow could not.

"Amy, dear I am so sorry. I really didn't mean to do what I did. I…"

"Shut up Evan. I am sick and tired of your behavior. Go away. Whatever excuse you have, well I for one do not want to hear it." Amy retorted, glaring at Evan.

"Ames, please don't put me on probation any more, I promise, I'll-"

Amy shoved Dan into Evan shirt. When a very confused Dan stood up woozily, there was a Dan-shaped tomato sauce bloodstain on Evan's previously white shirt. Evan's eyes widened.

"Hey, I didn't want to touch you." Amy said breezily, "Dan, let's go in."

She grabbed a stumbling Dan's arm and pulled him into the house, making sure to slam the door in Evan's face so hard that it rattled on its hinges.

"Dear Sister-san that was the second awesome thing you have done."

**A/N:**

**I hope you enjoyed that. This chapter is dedicated to TYN for her suggestions. **

**Koraki: I believe in free expression of thought, free speech and free will. I accept that you like Evamy, but I feel that my reviewers have the right to express their thoughts here. Thanks for reviewing. I'm working on the characterization. **

**Addicted2reading9: Any suggestions? :D**

**Roselle Autumn Sunrise: This is the chapter. Yes, SNME can mean super nutter me as well XD anyways.**

**Lapulta JRR Cahill: I think there is a need to kill him. Seriously. **

**Kathy. Cahill. Madrigal. Admin. : ME TOO ME TOO ME TOO That, is all I want for Christmas. **

**JesseCPK: THANK YOU FOR THE REVIEW. I APPRECIATE IT A LOT. The incident did take place after the first chapter. **

**Dream. Love. Smile: Yes, there is DEFINITELY something about Natalie in it. **

**D: I have been working on a Natan story for quite some time, so…**

**MaddyDell: You're welcome for you know what. Thanks for reviewing!**

**P.S : My Natan story, I Take it with Extra Cream will be up by tomorrow! However, I have a camp so I may not be able to post for a week or so... Sorry. **


	4. Jerkface at freemail dotcom

**Disclaimer:**

**Roses are red, violets are blue.**

**I do not own the 39 Clues,**

**Please do not sue.**

**Amian is cool, **

**That's so true.**

**Natan is rad, **

**That's a fact. **

**And if you agree, **

**Review this chapter please!**

**The small (not-so-small) print: Suing me will result in no personal gain for yourself apart from an Evamy (BASHING) fridge magnet, which no one wants, and a roll of duct tape strung taut and stuck to your mouth, available only in red, colour of the Lucians. **

Mercury Poisoning, Chapter Four. (At long last!)

From: Daniel Cahill iloveninjas at

To: Ian Kabra iankabra at

Cobra, good news and bad news.

Alan got kicked out of the house by Amy, but now placing the mercury somewhere won't help, because he won't be here. So now what?

-Dan

From: Ian Kabra iankabra at

To: Daniel Cahill iloveninjas at

Find a way to let him in. Steal Amy's phone, hack into her email account, let him in if he drops by, whatever.

-Ian.

From: Daniel Cahill iloveninjas at

To: Ian Kabra iankabra at

Amy's going on a field trip two days later. Most of her luggage is already packed.

-Dan

From: Ian Kabra iankabra at

To: Daniel Cahill iloveninjas at

Great. You could text Evan and ask him to meet 'Amy' at your house after she leaves. Just make sure you text in full, proper sentences with correct grammar and perfect spelling, the way Amy would text him.

-Ian

From: Daniel Cahill iloveninjas at

To: Ian Kabra iankabra at

Ok. Did I mention that your email account really, really, sucks?

Also, about the text messaging lessons, what is your answer?

Lastly, I can help you create an email account, jerkface at , want me to do that?

I'll be glad to.

-Dan

From: Ian Kabra iankabra at

To: Daniel Cahill iloveninjas at

My answers are no, no, and no.

-Ian

From: Daniel Cahill iloveninjas at

To: Ian Kabra iankabra at

Sadly, I've forgotten the order of my questions.

-Dan

*******"Touché!" Ian Kabra, the 39 Clues. *******

Dan crept to Amy's bedside in the dead of night and swiped her phone off the bedside table, the way a ninja would. He even added in some karate hand movements and spinning kicks to enhance the effect. Unlocking the screen, the glow of the phone illuminated the room. Panicking, Dan bunched it up in his black shirt (which enabled him to feel more like a ninja), effectively blocking most of the light. He keyed in the passcode (Grace's birthday) and was granted access to her phone.

Amy stirred in her sleep, but did not wake.

Unlike Dan, who had once screamed '_Cherry Garcia'_ when Nellie disrupted his light afternoon nap. Needless to say, Nellie was rather shocked and accused Dan of having a sugar rush in his sleep (yes, that was possible) as five tubs of the aforementioned food item had coincidentally, mysteriously disappeared from the refrigerator.

Dan, however, had blamed it on the clue hunt sharpening his senses and honing his reflexes. Nellie was still 95% sure it was the Cherry Garcia.

Dan scrolled through Amy's contacts and found the name "Evan." Fingers nimbly moving across the keys, Dan sent a text to Evan.

To: **Evan**

Meet me at my house three days later, afternoon. Do not reply this text message, just turn up. I repeat, do not acknowledge this message. Just turn up. See you.

-Amy

Then, Dan clicked on the 'send' button. After the message was sent, Dan went to Amy's messages and deleted that particular message from the folder labeled 'sent.'

He then placed the phone back on the bedside table, next to his still-asleep sister, before tiptoeing out of the room.

Er, _moving _out of the room. Adding in ninja/martial arts movements for good measure, swinging his limbs about wildly in near-pitch-darkness.

Nearly breaking one of Grace's very ancient, not to mention very expensive, Chinese Ming vases.

*******"You may be a dweeb, but you're a wise dweeb." Amy Cahill, the 39 Clues. ***** **

Two mornings later, Amy stood outside the door, Nellie about to drive her to the airport.

Her luggage was around her, and she was just giving Dan a lecture.

"First of all, I do not want a repeat of the other time, when I came back and posters of Ian were stuck onto my room door, my lavatory door, my cupboard door, my drawers, my wardrobe door and practically everywhere big enough for a poster to fit."

"Yes, sister-san, but you know I only did it because the Cobras were coming over the same day."

"_I know! _Also, no putting hamsters in my room-_"_

"Hey, I didn't know they were there! Honest! They just…escaped." Dan said, lamely.

"_Whatever. Just make sure that there is no repeat of that_ or I will personally see to it that a disco will be built on your grave and all Cahills will gather for a night of non-stop partying on your grave."

"Great idea. Get a grave rubbing for me, alright? Sad to say, I already have my funeral planned out, and they don't involve partying. They do, however, involve ninjas."

"I expected that. Finally, do not try to set fire to Aunt Beatrice's hair," Amy said, before adding quietly, "no matter how much she deserves it."

Dan nodded solemnly. "I'll… do my best."

The car horn sounded and Amy clambered into the car, giving Dan one last warning look just as the car drove off. Sometimes, Nellie could manage to drive faster and more recklessly than Aunt Beatrice ever did.

Oh, well, at least he now had three full hours of non-sisterly/au pairly supervision and he had the perfect way to spend it. Let's just say that the first part would involve lots of cherry Garcia.

**A/N: WOOHOO! MERCURY POISONING FINALLY UPDATED! First, I would like to apologise for the long wait. It was a horrible bout of writer's block. I wasn't sure where this was going, but now I have it planned out, more or less, apart from the ending… And I can only possibly update once a week because my internet access is very very limited…**

**Anyhoo, what will the second part of Dan's sister/au pair-free time consist of? **

**Again, please leave suggestions! Chapter Five will be dedicated to the person whose suggestion I accept! Also, I would like to clear up the fact that **_**I follow the British spelling. **_**It's just that my computer's autocorrect function causes my work to be filled with British/American spelling, so. **

**Oh, yes, to answer to my AWESOME REVIEWERS:**

**RoselleAutumnSunrise: Myeah stains are awesome! **

**addictedtoreading9: Thanks! Okays, let's see if this chapter beats that. **

**Lapulta J.R.R Cahill: Okay, first, thank you for BOTH reviews. Haha and the day Ian manages to text-talk is the day Natalie insults Prada. **

**JesseCPK: :D Thanks for all your suggestions. And the compliments. Thanks. I REALLY. Appreciate it. **

**paperandink13: Thanks for the review! Especially for the 'not OOC' part. I have been trying so hard to make them act OC. **

**ILOVEMySeniorsSoMuch: Yeap. Your sister reviewed. Also, it's about time that you learnt from your sister and admitted that Lucians are so much better than Ekaterinas. **

**MaddyDell: EVAN WILL DIE I WILL PERSONALLY MAKE SURE OF IT! **

**clara0414: Thank you for pointing out those errors. As much as I would like to answer all of your questions, I can't because I have limited time here. So I shall just say this. Thanks for your review. **

**text: he is a bd txtr. Luv ur dan txt, btws. **

**Evan Tolliver Hater: It's fine, I get carried away Evan-ranting at times. IKR! If only Evan didn't exist! Argh now I'm ranting! :D **

**whatdoesntkillumakesustronger: YEAP! Natan and Amian are like my fave pairings EVER! **

**Okay, end of it all. REVIEW PLEASEEEEE!**

**~Love, Wicked**


	5. Pie fest, Prank calls and Duct Tape

**Disclaimer: **

**Still, roses are red. **

**Still, violets are blue. **

**Still, I do not own the 39 Clues. **

**Still, I would have liked to. **

**But please do not sue. **

Mercury Poisoning, Chapter Five.

Dan jumped around the room, almost bouncing off the walls. Empty Cherry Garcia ice-cream cartons littered the floor in random places. What should he do next? Dan pondered to himself. Money was definitely not an issue. Somebody else could always pay for it.

He grabbed his phone and dialed for two of his friends, inviting them to come over for 'an epically awesome time' because they were, apparently, 'gonna hold a pie eatin' festival and more!' Then, he dialed 113-PIES and ordered no less than thirty pies, flavours ranging from cherry to orange marmalade. Everything was charged to Fiske's platinum credit card before Dan hung up. Soon, the pies arrived, along with his friends.

And the pie eatin' festival began.

It started off well, each of them stuffing their faces with big gulps of pie, courtesy of Fiske.

Till Brent started throwing pies around. One hit Charlie in the face. Enraged, Charlie grabbed a pie and threw it in the general direction of Brent. Needless to say, he missed and the pie splattered against the, erm, _previously _white walls, leaving an irregularly shaped, sticky, and odd purple stain on the wall (it was a suspected blueberry pie). Dan laughed at them.

Grabbing a pie, he stuck his thumb into it, pulling out a plum.

"What a good boy am—AHHHHHHHHHH!"

Dan was tackled by Brent.

Charlie was trying to cover them both in pies.

But, he tripped on a Cherry Garcia container and fell down hard.

The pie flew out of his hands and promptly smashed itself on Dan.

The epically amazing pie festival ended only when no pies were left (the three of them had ingested quite a bit of pie) and all sorts of pie fillings could be found on the now-multicolored wall, splattered over everything and everyone. Charlie leaned against the wall, wearing a tin-foil hat with bits of applesauce still on it. He was grinning like a manic, which wasn't that far off from the truth in reality.

Golden-brown pie crusts were scattered all around the floor.

In short, it was a complete and utter mess.

And it was _awesome. _

Our three musketeer-ninjas stumbled over to the phone and Charlie grabbed the handset, leaving a smudgy, gooey trail of a mysterious orange substance smeared on it.

Brent grabbed the thick hardback phone directory and started high-speed flipping through it, possibly beating Eisenhower Holt's record timing, and randomly choosing numbers.

Charlie dialed the number into the phone, and he pressed speaker. The dull buzz of the dial tone filled the room.

"Hello?" The person who picked up was a guy, probably in his early twenties.

Dan smiled.

"Congratulations, you have just won a 1kg booster pack of heroine! For more information, call 911 and say the code words, 'I have a secret stash of heroine. Stay on the line to await further instructions and you will receive your prize!'"

Brent, holding the directory laughed so hard that he dropped the very heavy book on to his toes. There was a crash and he stopped laughing, instead grabbing his legs and hopping around with an estranged expression.

Charlie, on the other hand, stuffed a handkerchief in his mouth to muffle the sounds of laughter.

"My God, really?"

"Yes, congratulations."

"I have to call 911 now! Thanks and bye!"

He hung up.

They cracked up. Apart from Brent, whose foot still hurt.

The next number was dialed.

This time, the unfortunate person was an old-ish lady. She sounded cranky and grumpy, a bit- fine, a lot- like Beatrice.

"Hello?"

"Yes. How may I help you, Sir?" Dan adopted a clipped, sophisticated tone.

"I'm a lady, you young dipstick! And excuse me, but you're the one who called me."

"Sorry Ma'am, but you are the one who has just called me!"

"No, you are the one who called me. Not the other way around."

Everyone struggled to keep their laughter in. Dan tried his best to maintain his tone.

"Ma'am or Sir, whichever, you'd better reveal your name or I will have to hang up!"

"Phish!" The lady said rudely and hung up; muttering about young punks, as if being young was an insult enough.

Brent pressed redial, whilst Charlie held up the handset.

After the phone rang twice, the same lady picked up.

"Hello?" She said it threateningly.

"It's you again! I will have to call the cops!"

Before hanging up, she said something into the mouthpiece, embarrassing even Charlie.

Dan thanked Fiske that their number was private.

*******"It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad world.""That's the smartest observation you made all day."Dan Cahill and Amy Cahill, the 39 Clues.*******

**Half an hour later…**

Three of them walked around woozily, the effects of inhaling helium taking its toll on their brains, affecting their abilities to think in a straight line. Heck, they couldn't even _walk_ in a straight line.

"FLUFFY DEMONIC EVIL BUNNIES!"  
"PURPLE NINJAS!"

"HEY IF I EAT TOO MANY SKITTLES DOES IT MEAN THAT A RAINBOW WILL GROW IN MY STOMACH?"

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WOOHOOOOOOOOO!"

"OLDER SISTERS SUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK!"

"HEY WHAT'S THAT WEIRD SOUND THAT TOILET PIPES MAKE IF YOU FLUSH A SANDWICH DOWN?"

" CAT!"

Also, that was just two percent or all the insanity occurring. Imagine. Or perhaps not.

Of course, after duct taping pictures of Ian onto Amy's ceiling, they had decided to inhale helium and were now hopping around like crazed bunnies on sugar high. Screaming at the top of their squeaky voices.

The sound of gravel crunching on the driveway and the screech of car tyres indicated that Nellie was back.

However, all the three of them could do was to sprawl out on the once-pristine floor and laugh out loud randomly.

"Dan, what trouble have you gotten in-" Nellie threw open the door, and her eyes practically bugged out of her head.

"Oh. That much trouble. Somebody care to tell me why there is orange marmalade on the handset?" Nellie looked as though she was trying to recover from a shock, which she probably was.

"S'not orange flavour'd. S' pumpkin flavored." Brent said before collapsing.

To prevent any bruised egos, let us draw the veil of ignorance over the trio for now.

**A/N: Hey awesome people! This was a fast update right? Oh anyway, thanks to all the reviewers:**

**hi: Thank you. Sadly, Evan won't die but-GASP- I just gave you a spoiler! Oh well to heck with that. But he will be humiliated. And AMIAN WILL REIGN. **

**addicted2reading9: if your fave chapter changes, tell me ;) So, Cherry Garcia!**

**JesseCPK: Seems like I used most of your suggestions… The prank call thing was done in your honour. Other suggestions? **

**MaddyDell: When I don't feel lazy, I will. Oh yeah and people are ALWAYS delusional, are they not? Whilst Lucians are awesome!**

**amycahillfan101: YES AMIAN RULES! Only Amian will be accepted. No Jamy/ Evamy (bashing)/Hamy because AMIAN ROCKS THAT MUCH. Thanks for your review and letting me rant. **

**Also, since there are so many dedicated Amian and Natan lovers and supporters here, please review Hostage2's story, A Few Questions Please Read and Answer Them. Many people are criticizing Amian and Natan. So, I urge you all, stand up for Amian! I already reviewed, that story twice (*blushes*).Anyway, it breaks my heart to see so many people who do not support Amian and Natan criticizing Ian because he supposedly played with her feelings and supporting that awful Gary-Stu, Kurt. I hope to see you all reviewing. **

**Did I mention, all who review there (Ahem, supporting Amian or Natan) gets a chapter of my story (not necessarily this one, because I may take a while to update.) Well, I guess that's like bribery. The things we do for Amian. **

**~Love, Wicked.**

**P.S: remember to review Hostage2's story. Thanks. **


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